goodnight i made you a song goodbye
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
