please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
