I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
