The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He felt like a one man threesome
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
