So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
