so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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