the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
