I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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