I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize