my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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