did you get engaged???
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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