You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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