i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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