I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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