On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
