Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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