I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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