My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
