just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
