Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize