You just made me feel so damn special
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
