On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
