legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize