Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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