My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
