shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
