Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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