Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
