you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
