I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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