Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think I am morally bankrupt
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
