Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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