I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
