Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
