you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize