I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
