Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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