i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
