I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
