Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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