I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
