Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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