a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
