You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
