Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
