I wish I only lived at night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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