Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
