Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Green mimosas i think yes
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize