It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
