I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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