Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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