I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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