The maid of honor just puked.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
