i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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