I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
