Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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