I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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