Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize