im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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