Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
