So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Come on in and take your pants off
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