I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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