We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
