eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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