Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
