Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize