I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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