They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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