Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Boobs are out for the taking
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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